


Atrophy.

by theweakestthing



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M, Rewind powers, TW: Suicide, lots of talk about suicide, messing with time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-05-27 06:24:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6273286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweakestthing/pseuds/theweakestthing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[I return to the same place, again and again, hoping that things have changed. Like a fool, I believe that I can make everything better all on my own.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hide's eyes were stuck on the subtle swaying of Kaneki's ankles, calculating just how far the other's feet were away from the floor, busying his mind. He was extremely thankful that Kaneki wasn't facing him, he wouldn't have been able to move had those lifeless eyes been upon him, reminding him of every single way he'd failed the other.

The funeral was a loveless and hollow affair, it left Hide feeling as though someone had scooped out his insides with a spoon. Kaneki's aunt's crocodile tears chewed on what was left in there, she might as well have spat on the grave for all those tears were worth.

The more days that filled the distance between them, the emptier Hide felt, as though time was stealing parts of his life. His eyes and throat stung from the amount of crying he'd done, crumpled like wet origami on the floor of his apartment, curled around something that meant something to the two of them.

Things he loved could no longer make him smile, flowers turned to thorns in his hands, piercing his skin. A hollow ache, there was a noise rattling in his chest and he felt as though it would echo for eternity.

Stood in front of Kaneki's apartment, he'd volunteered to clean it out eagerly, he wouldn't allow that women to foul what little was left of his best friend. The place was just as empty and kind of soulless as it had always been, Kaneki didn't like to leave his mark on anything, that was true with practically everyone and everything apart from Hide.

The only thing that left any notion of the person that Kaneki was were the mountain of books piled by the side of the other's bed, paperbacks curled and bent with love and age, dusty and worn sleeves of hardbacks. Hide wanted to keep them all, it meant many trips from here to his apartment and back but it didn't matter to him, he wanted to keep a hold of every little piece of Kaneki there was left. It would keep his mind off of the closet for a time anyways.

Reading every blurb of the books scattered across his bedroom floor, most were mysteries, stories of morbid designs. There were a few that were more light hearted, but they were wildly in the minority. It seemed that Kaneki preferred to read about things he could relate to than wholly escaping into a beautiful world that was better than the one he had lived in. Maybe Kaneki's life had been far too torturous for the other to fall into the reverie of a better life, maybe Kaneki just simply couldn't fathom it.

Those thoughts made Hide feel rotten to the core, how he'd never been able to really reach the other. He'd never been able to completely take a hold of Kaneki and show the other what they'd brought into his life. The worst thing was knowing that Kaneki had died believing himself to be a burden to Hide, it was almost too painful to think about.

He stacked and ordered the books delicately in his cupboard, like precious relics, knowing that he'd never read a single one of them.

Then there was the closet, the clothes, the damn clothes that still held Kaneki's particular scent. Hide had great difficulty keeping his hands off of them, could hardly pull the fabric from under his nose. They were all clean to the point that they could be passed off as never worn, it was like Kaneki had never really lived.

In all honesty, Kaneki was someone that had just existed, trying their best to avoid pain and hurting others at all costs. It was a pitiful existence and Hide had felt like the only one to genuinely pity the other.

Hide felt it within himself too, coasting from day to day, feeling buoyant, maybe Kaneki thought of him as an anchor grounding Kaneki to the Earth. For Hide though, their relationship was of mutual support, even if Kaneki had no idea how much that he had done for Hide.

Kaneki had meant, still meant the world to him, meant the whole universe with everything good and bad in it.

What was he supposed to do when his whole universe disappeared, he didn't have any idea, he didn't know what he was doing anymore. Living without aim, without a destination and without purpose.

He stood out in the middle of the night, on the middle of the bridge fingers wrapped around the railing staring up at the stars.

He could have said the things he'd kept in his heart, easily, those words would have poured out of him with such ease it was laughable. Hide didn't though, he didn't know why he'd never said those words, maybe he'd been waiting for Kaneki to be in a place to be able believe that Hide loved him.

Hide had wasted his time, time was finite, possibly the most finite of things that Hide had allowed to slip between his fingers. Vaulting over the railing, it really wasn't high enough, air rushing past his face. There was only one thought in his mind.

_Really, what a waste._

He closed his eyes,  just waiting for it all to be over.

It never ended though, the sea never reached him, pain never came to him. Instead, his alarm went off, an alarm he hadn't heard in years. Opening his eyes, Hide turned his head to the side and was faced with the window that had been above his bed when he was eight.

He sat bolt upright, sheets falling away from his body, alarm sounding more like a siren screaming at him, signifying that something was wrong. Looking down at his body, he found it to be the body of an eight year old.

Had he been dreaming all this time? Was that even possible, surely not.

Hide slammed his palm down against his alarm clock, hard enough to hurt himself. Pain ringing out like a current running underneath his skin, suddenly interacting with the world and feeling the world touch him back was remarkable.

Throwing aside his blankets and jumping out of his bed, he knew what day it was, there really was no other day that it could be.

Tearing through his house, his completely empty house, thinking the same thought he had the entire time he'd lived there.

_What use was a home that no one really lived in?_

Eagerly pulling on his clothes and wolfing down the breakfast he'd made himself, having to slow himself down so as though not to give himself indigestion. Making certain that he had his keys before he slammed the door shut, making the frame shudder even with his childish strength.

He tired to pace himself on the way to school, tried not to run the entire way there.

Finding his name upon the desk of his classroom, it was a different one to what he remembered. Maybe things had changed slightly, maybe he'd remembered it wrong, maybe it should matter, maybe it shouldn't. He couldn't really think of anything other than who he was waiting to enter the room next.

There Kaneki was, young and smiling and beautiful. And much like he had on the real first time he'd met the other, Hide spent almost the entire time watching Kaneki. Overwhelmed, he remembered being overwhelmed hearing the other boy speak, it was a feeling akin to the fall he'd had that morning instead he wasn't actually moving this time, nothing seemed to have changed at all from an outside perspective. Inside through, Hide's gut had dropped, gravity pushing down on his insides.

He wasn't the kind that believed in love at first sight, even at such young age. At that age he had already grabbed a hold of realism, that thing that adults kept at bay and children ran from. It had sought him out and there was no such thing as unlearning or unknowing something.

It was the way Kaneki had spoken, had sat, had moved and the other's particular choice of words that tore the ground beneath Hide apart.

Chasing after Kaneki after school, remembering that those boys would be there teasing the other. Running between them, pulling Kaneki away from the other boys, grabbing Kaneki by the wrist and away from them like he had wanted to the first time.

There was a sharp pull on the back of his jumper, yanking him backward and Hide let go.

He had hit the concrete like a disembodied slab of meat, he'd hardly registered the knuckles scraping against his brow. That seemed to be enough though and the boys left, Kaneki was stood there in the middle of the path watching Hide struggle to stand.

His head was hammering as he stood, feeling dizzy and light headed. Wiping his hand over his brow, pulling it away to look at his palm slightly relieved that he wasn't bleeding. His head throbbed though, there would definitely be a bruise.

that really didn't matter though, Kaneki was there, right in front of him. Naturally nothing else mattered at all.

"Hey," Hide said, stepping toward the other, "do you want to be my friend?" He asked, smiling as bright as he could.


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay," Kaneki said, as though nothing had happened, "let's be friends," he smiled faintly and if Hide could have fallen more in love with the boy, he would have then.

Hide thought about it every day, it was worse when he was alone, the memories that had not yet happened. He dreamed of the soles of Kaneki's shoes and woke up with determination in his heart, turning away from what might happen and looking toward what he could make happen.

Kaneki looked small and fragile, Hide didn't know if that was simply just because the other was or it was because of his new perspective. It just made him more protective of Kaneki, if that was even possible.

He would walk Kaneki all the way home every day despite the fact that they lived a train ride apart, it didn't matter to him, he was desperate to close the distance between them as fast as possible. He spent as much time as he could with Kaneki, sharing everything he enjoyed whilst trying not to talk about things that were yet to exist. What he enjoyed most though was when Kaneki spoke of the things he liked, the way his face would light up and when he spoke about his favourite stories. They all sounded like things above Hide's then reading grade, things with complex plots and adult themes. It didn't matter though, Kaneki was still beautiful when he described them.

If Hide had to describe Kaneki he would say that the other was delicate with an intricate intelligence that kept Kaneki from reaching out for help, thinking things he shouldn't have been thinking about in grade school, but he figured that it was fine as long as he only thought them. That made him think about something he'd never considered before. Kaneki was quite smart for his age, probably the kind of emotionally intelligent that would ruin a child, force them to ponder things that didn't worry the average child, but Hide knew it was just something that Kaneki was conditioned into.

* * *

 

It was just before gym class and out of habit Hide had glanced over at Kaneki, the boy was shifting awkwardly, obviously trying to keep something hidden whilst getting changed. Hide snapped his head forward and changed as fast as he could trying to expel the thought from his head, it would be torture to watch the other go through the things that Hide had only had an inkling about before. Obviously it would hurt Kaneki more than him and still there wasn't much Hide could do about it as young as he was, he knew that he wouldn't be able to convince Kaneki to turn his mother in and even if he could he'd just be sending Kaneki into a different kind of hell.

This was insane, this hindsight turned future sight it had him wanting to meddle in things he had no place to.

During gym class, he stayed close to Kaneki, making sure that the other didn't have to overexert and hurt themselves. It was irritating honestly, it would be years before Hide could comfort the other properly, it would be years before Kaneki was free from torment.

And that wasn't true was it? Kaneki had never been free from torment, the other had obviously been tormented up to the moment he'd hung himself.

On their way to Kaneki's home, Hide grabbed the other's wrist, making Kaneki stop, "Kaneki-kun," Hide said, feeling very much like he was about to cough up his heart.

"What is it?" Kaneki asked, head tilted as he looked at Hide.

"You know you don't have to go along with what everyone else wants right?" Hide said, feeling mighty brave as heat spread across his cheeks.

"Yeah, I know that," Kaneki smiled, that fake thing and Hide loathed it, how Kaneki had learnt to do such a thing at that age.

"I mean isn't there something you want to do?" Hide asked, "it's Saturday, so we've got the rest of the day," an odd kind of wavering desperation reached his voice, he had to get a handle on his emotions or he was going to scare the other. "I just don't want to go home just yet," Hide smiled or at least tried to.

"I don't have anything in mind, I'd just like to spend time with you," Kaneki shrugged.

"Then let's go somewhere," Hide said, making to pull Kaneki away.

"But my mother's expecting me, I-"

"Okay, I'll just walk you home then," Hide said as cheerily as he could manage, cutting Kaneki off, he just couldn't listen to the rest of that sentence.

"I want to spend more time with you too," Kaneki began to say, words that set butterflies free in Hide's stomach, "when we're older we'll be able to spend as much time together as we want," he said, soft childish voice making everything seem fine.

Hide supposed that he owed it to Kaneki to pretend that everything was fine, so he smiled as blindingly as he could. Still holding onto Kaneki's wrist as they continued down the street.

"We'll just have to make the best of the walk," he said smiling still, wide and showing teeth.

They spoke idly as they walked, Kaneki didn't pull away from him and he couldn't figure out if it was endearing or worrying. There was just too much that he could read into every situation, everything said between them was so charged with meaning that neither of them should have understood.

Watching the way the sunlight made Kaneki's pale skin appear luminescent, it made him think about how beautiful Kaneki was and would grow up to be, it also made him think about much time Kaneki spent indoors away from the touch of sunlight, almost everything was a double edged sword.

He wanted to kiss Kaneki goodbye, but he didn't. Instead he watched the other leave, waving a vigorous goodbye. Watching the door shut behind Kaneki, Hide dropped his arm before turning away, dropping the facade like throwing a mask to the floor.

Two things, there were two things that irritated him to hell and back, how much his loneliness was gnawing at him and how frustrated and useless he felt in the face of everything that Kaneki was going through. Every moment away from Kaneki was a moment he wasted, trying his best to make time fly as fast as possible, racing back to the other.

He wondered what he'd been doing the first time around, he had so much free time, even more so now that he could do his homework with his eyes closed. He remembered thinking about Kaneki an awful lot, longing for the other to be beside him, aching to share every damn second with Kaneki. Of course he had his own escapisms, music and tv kept him mostly occupied, but there were long stretches of idle thought and Hide wound himself crooked around the idea of saving Kaneki.

* * *

 

Hide didn't remember the exact date, that was how it got the drop on him, as though it had suddenly pounced from somewhere unseen. It was the first day that Kaneki had taken off for quite some time and Hide couldn't stop staring at the empty desk, he completely forgot about lunch he was too caught up in thinking about what Kaneki was going through.

"Hideyoshi-kun," his teacher called just as everyone was leaving at the end of the day.

"Yes sensei?" Hide asked, approaching the desk.

"Kaneki-kun is your friend right?" She asked, smiling disarmingly.

"He's my best friend," Hide said proudly, his teacher continued to smile back but there was a touch of sadness and pity to it.

"I know you're planning on going to the same middle school as him," she said, taking a moment to swallow something back and that was the first time that Hide even considered something. She was their teacher and had been there to see almost everything that Hide had seen himself, the things that he only took notice of now were probably things that had alarmed her too. All the times that she had spoken to Kaneki after class and Hide hadn't questioned it, she'd been trying to reach out to Kaneki the whole time. "Please look after him, can you promise me that Hideyoshi-kun?" She asked, hand on Hide's shoulder and she squeezed it as she spoke.

"I promise," Hide said and he meant it with every single fibre of his being.

About a year and a half later, Hide found Kaneki in an empty classroom in the middle of lunch break and the 'memory' overlapped in his head with the present in his eyes. It made his head hurt, but he'd expected as much since it was a difficult thing to comprehend.

"Ken," Hide murmured, rounding around the other's body slumped over the desk. Head rested on folded arms and hair splayed out over Kaneki's face, he took the seat beside the other.

Leaning his head upon the desk, cheek pressed to the wood, Hide watched Kaneki sleep. The peaceful look upon the other's face was captivating, Hide reached out his hand, pushed away Kaneki's bangs.

"I love you," Hide whispered, as though it were a shameful secret and he supposed in some eyes it was. If anything, to him his love for Kaneki was a living breathing thing that snapped at him, it was hungry and desperate, when it didn't get enough attention from Kaneki it chewed on him. It hollowed him out, like a cuckoo, until there was nothing else left.

For the life of him he couldn't remember what he'd wanted to be, what had he even been studying at college? Something to do with film? He couldn't quite remember anything around Kaneki, that kind of pinhole focus was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. He couldn't even think about what he wanted to be when he was at the age he was then, duel realities were running parallel in his head.

If he could save Kaneki, then they had to have a life to live, he couldn't just focus all his energy on the other, couldn't just live for Kaneki that wasn't healthy at all. He had to build something around them, had to build a place for Kaneki to recover.

* * *

 

Two years after that, by some small miracle Hide made it into the same high school as Kaneki, although they weren't in the same class anymore. Laying on the floor of Hide's empty house, Kaneki shifted restlessly, looking as anxious as always. Hide ran his knuckles across the back of Kaneki's hand, humming along to the music that was playing from the stereo.

The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he was biting it too happy with the way that Kaneki was staring at him. Stark blue eyes wordlessly upon him, blinking slow and breaths steady. It was to the point where he could calm the other with his presence, watching it overcome Kaneki was a real power trip, it made his ego shiver.

They would lay like that for hours, muscles aching from lying on the hard floor for so long.

"I wish you could stay with me all the time," Hide muttered, they weren't the exact words he wanted to say but they were close enough.

"It's fine Hide, everyone has to go home eventually," Kaneki said, closing his eyes. And again Hide read too much or just enough into the other's statement, wondered just what the word home meant to someone like Kaneki.

"That's not really what I meant," Hide sighed, rolling onto his side. "Ken, look at me," he called, palm pressed flat to the floor.

"What did you mean then?" Kaneki asked, eyes open and digging into Hide's skin like the talons and beaks of vultures upon a corpse.

"I mean I don't ever want to be without you and every moment that you're not near me is more lonely than I can bare," Hide said, wondering if being more selfish than he had ever been in his entire life would work, but it was a little manipulative for his liking and he hated the way Kaneki's face shifted awfully close to something like hurt.

"I can't be with you every second of the day, that's just unrealistic," Kaneki said, completely avoiding the meaning behind Hide's words, ignoring the emotions that every syllable was steeped in.

"I'm a dreamer, an idealist Ken," Hide smiled, almost laughed. He'd always wondered if Kaneki was so utterly and completely blinded by his personal suffering to the point where he couldn't see the same things in Hide, they may have been to a lesser degree but Hide was lonely down to the marrow and it made his bones ache. "And you're still not getting my meaning," Hide said, sitting up, legs splayed out in front of him.

"Then just say exactly what you mean," Kaneki said, sitting up as well, weight braced on his palms.

"I like you," Hide said, staring at the other, watching the words skewer Kaneki.

"I don't want you to," Kaneki murmured, eyes sliding to the floor.

"You can't will my feelings away Ken," Hide said, pulling at his jeans. "You don't have to return the feelings, you don't have any obligation to do anything with that information at all," he added, needing to create an environment where Kaneki could pull away, where Kaneki wouldn't feel trapped.

Kaneki looked at him then, stared long and hard for an immeasurable moment, "you say that but the way you're looking at me," Kaneki sighed, breath rushing out him and Hide thought of the way they drill into people's temples to relieve cranial pressure. "You wouldn't have said it if you didn't want me to reply positively," he said, looking dangerously close to irritated.

"Of course I want a positive reply, but that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to reject me," Hide ground out, eyes locked with the other and face just as irritated as Kaneki's. "If you want to reject me then just do it Ken," he said, voice low and even, steady enough to make Kaneki's frown deepen.

"I don't want to have that kind of relationship with you," Kaneki said, voice as sharp as a razor's edge and Hide would have been lying if he said it didn't hurt.

The worst thing was that there was a large part of him that wanted to argue with Kaneki about this, wanted to accuse the other of thinking himself unworthy, believing that everyone he loved would hurt him, running away from the exact thing he wanted. That would probably just force Kaneki further into his shell and would be mighty presumptuous of Hide.

Instead they sat there staring at each other and Hide hoped Kaneki couldn't see how much trouble he was having swallowing, he tried not to blink so much but it really did hurt like hell.  

"I should go," Kaneki said, standing stiffly.

Hide shot up to his feet, head spinning from the speed of it, he'd been about to protest but he'd shut his mouth, knowing it'd be useless and wholly counterproductive.

"Okay," he said instead, terrible sinking feeling in his gut.

He followed Kaneki to the door, watched the other pull their shoes on, it was getting harder with each passing second to keep the edges of his mask taped to his face. Wondering how that would affect Kaneki, seeing the rawness of his pain etched upon his face, he truly did not want to find out.

"I'll see you at school Hide," Kaneki said, opening the door and the sound of it was like water rushing into Hide's ears.

"Yeah, see ya," Hide said, trying to smile, trying to pick up the pieces of himself that had scattered at his feet. All he had to do was wait a little longer and he could let it sweep through him like a tsunami, he could let it claim his body when Kaneki couldn't see him.

The door clicked shut behind Kaneki, but Hide waited a little longer, legs shaking with the effort of keeping him on his feet. And then the flood gates opened, knees hit the floor painfully and then his palms. Dragging his nails along the wood, he turned his hands to fists. He kept his jaw shut tight, teeth grinding together, he breathed heavily through his nose. Blinking rapidly with his lips pulled back over his teeth, revealing gums.

He didn't know why he was fighting it, what was the point in that, he just didn't want to be in pain. Who did though?

Crawling back to the stereo, Hide switched the music off and sat back on his heels. His heart was racing and he couldn't think of anything around the pain thrumming through him, shouldn't he have expected Kaneki to turn him down though? This was his fault and he knew it, he just hadn't expected that going through puberty again would hit him so hard, having his emotions all over the place made his thinking a little wonky.

He went straight to bed, dinner forgotten, covers pulled up high and over his head. Pressing his face into the fabric, trying to find a warmth to cast out the chill in his gut.

The next day he didn't see Kaneki on the way to school and really he had expected as much, but the absence gnawed at him. He could just catch the other on the way out from school or during lunch, he couldn't focus throughout the day, he just wanted to see Kaneki.

This wasn't what he'd promised himself, he should be listening because he remembered not listening the first time, he should have been building the foundations for something instead of jumping the gun. The waiting had been crawling up his spine and he just couldn't get the image of Kaneki swaying out of his head, it made him impatient.

He'd waited until after class hoping that it would be enough space and time for Kaneki, he  jumped out of his seat the moment he was able to being the first out of his class. Racing to the other's class, trying to catch Kaneki before he left. Leaning on the doorframe, Hide scanned the room as people began to file out of it.

"He didn't come to class today," a girl said to Hide, she looked mildly surprised, as though he should have known already.

"Oh, ok thanks," Hide smiled, rubbing the back of his neck.

Guilt dropped like ice in his stomach and crawled up his spine, making him shiver. Stumbling and scrambling to get out of the school as fast as he could, which was pretty much what everyone else was trying to do, he tried to convince himself that Kaneki was just sick, that it was the only possible answer for the other's absence. Kaneki could have just eaten something bad for dinner, probably just had an upset stomach and couldn't make it to school.

It was the most logical answer, Kaneki had become suddenly ill, that was all, that had to be all it was.

And yet Hide couldn't stop his mind from bringing that image to up, was it intrusive or was it just what he should have been thinking. It was better to be prepared for the worst and be pleasantly surprised than it was to be under prepared and horrifically surprised, he had learnt that the hard way despite already knowing it.

Rounding the corner to Kaneki's home, Hide started to jog and slowed as he approached the door. He pressed the bell and stood there pensively, making a note to himself to try his best to not suddenly get angry at the sight of Kaneki's aunt.

"Hi," Hide said the second the door opened, not giving the woman the space to open her mouth, "is Kaneki there?"

"He didn't come home last night," she said, "I thought he was with you," brow arched pointedly as though she was accusing him of something probably closer to the truth than he would like to admit. "I don't know where he is, but I'm sure he'll crawl out of the woodwork sooner or later," she said, shrugging.

Hide turned heel and pretended that he didn't hear what she'd said under her breath, a vile kind of sickness writhed in his stomach like mating snakes.

He didn't know where to go, didn't know where to look, head full of panic and painfully memories of things that hadn't happened yet. He searched all of their favourite places, knowing that Kaneki wouldn't be there. Walking through arcades, cafes, fast food restaurants, music stores and book stores. Standing at the cross roads, Hide groaned as he ran a hand through his hair, he stared down the road that led to the more secluded areas of town and Hide had a place in mind.

A few years ago someone had gone missing and for some reason Hide found himself paying close attention to the developments of the case, maybe in preparation, maybe from morbid curiosity, maybe he just wanted to know every single popular suicide spot in town just in case. it hadn't taken the authorities long to find the person once they'd been involved, they probably had their own list of places to look when people went missing.

The first place he looked was the park, at first he checked the benches and the calm areas, that hope was like a monkey on his back digging its nails into his skin. He had to turn to a more thorough search, checking the bushes and the shrubbery, he couldn't hide the fact that he was looking for a corpse from himself. After about an hour or so he was certain that Kaneki wasn't there and left, rushing to his next destination.

There was a small grade school that had closed a few years back, nothing was being done with it due to disputes over the ownership of the land and a lack of funding to restore or destroy the building. Hide stalked through the building, going from room to room in a grid, the place was simply empty. He'd expected some people to be there, drug addicts or homeless people or something, but there wasn't even anything beside the boiler in the creepy basement.

Before the next area, he went home and changed, a jacket, flexible sweats and sneakers. He thrust a few things into his pack too, a flash light, a spare jacket, some water, a hunting knife and a second cell phone in case his one ran out of battery.

Not too far from his house, there was a field that bordered a small wood, a thicket of sorts. He'd left this place for last because if Kaneki had come here he knew the other wasn't expecting to make it through the night. At first he checked the field, walking through the tall grass, flattening it out with his feet. It didn't take him that long to clear the grass, but he found that the sun was waning as he turned toward the thicket.

Switching his flash light on, Hide swept the light through the trees and scanned the area. After about twenety minutes the motion of the light froze, it took Hide a few moments to realise that he'd stopped moving. There wasn't really a point anymore, there wasn't a point in moving, in blinking, in breathing at all.

He had to be certain though, so he pushed himself to move forward.

Kaneki was still in his school clothes, one shoe missing and skin discoloured. The other had hung themselves from the tree with their belt, school bag on the floor beside the trunk of the tree.

Hide sat in the grass, ass on the heels of his feet, he shrugged the pack off his shoulder and pulled the knife out. He rolled his sleeve up, drew back the knife and closed his eyes as he thrust his hand down, knife clutched slickly in his sweaty hand.

He opened his eyes again at the sound of his alarm, he was eight again and this time he just wanted to stay in bed.


	3. Chapter 3

Back on his floor again, sixteen again, Hide just lied there that time. Knuckles touching the back of Kaneki's hand, light enough that it didn't seem on purpose. His heart was pounding, he could barely hear the music over the sound of rushing blood through his ears. He closed his eyes, his throat was clogged with useless words that he knew wouldn't change a damn thing.

He knew that he just had to be patient, had to wait a little longer, but he'd waited before. He had wasted his first chance waiting for the perfect opening, there wasn't going to be one. He had wasted his second chance jumping the gun and not thinking things through, he had to be Goldie Locks in order to get this right.

"Ken," Hide called, making no effort to look at the other, he simply continued to stare up at the ceiling.

"Yeah?" Kaneki replied, not moving either.

"Can you promise me something?" Hide asked, turning his head then, needing to see how the other looked when they said the words.

"What is it?" Kaneki asked, looking at Hide from the corner of his eyes.

"If something happens, if you're in danger or something," Hide said as evenly as he could manage, skirting around what they both knew he meant, "then you come straight to me, please promise me that you'll come straight to me," Hide said, voice bordering on begging.

"You can't be there for me all the time Hide," Kaneki said, smiling the smile that Hide hated the most.

"I can and I will be," Hide said, voice as hard as he hoped his eyes were.

"It's imp-"

"Shut up," Hide blurted and winced from the sound of it, "I'm sorry," his apology was instantaneous, practically on the same breath. "Ken, please just promise me this and I'll promise that I will always be there," he said, actually begging this time, hating the caged look in Kaneki's eyes.

"It's okay," Kaneki said, "there's nothing happening," he reassured.

Hide couldn't believe the other, even if Kaneki hadn't of scratched his chin, Hide didn't believe in the force behind those words.

"It's not, I know it's not and you know it's not," Hide said, trying not to spook Kaneki again, trying to keep certain emotions and intentions away from the conversation. "I don't want to pretend anymore, I just want to help, Ken please let me help you?" He asked, handing the control back to Kaneki.

He'd managed to figure that much out on his first run through, how important it was to give the reigns to Kaneki, how important it was to Kaneki to help him out too. It wasn't fair though, Hide wanted them to be partners, had always wanted them to be partners with mutual respect and understanding. There was too much between them for that to really happen at this age, too many raw emotions. They were both too close to what had happened to them, wounds too fresh and the closeness stung.

"It's not just me that needs help though," Kaneki frowned and Hide had expected as much really.

"Then we can look out for each other right?" Hide asked, trying to keep his hope chain to the floor. He held out his hand, palm up and smiling welcomingly.

"Okay," Kaneki murmured timidly, reaching out for Hide's hand with trepidation.

Pale and cold fingers wrapped around Hide's hand, he tried not to shiver, giving the other's hand a light squeeze. He continued to smile gently, relaxing back against the floor.

"I wish you could stay all night," Hide said, sighing as he let the chill from Kaneki's skin seep into him.

"I don't think I could stand the synth music for that long," Kaneki laughed, a genuine noise that released a jar of butterflies into Hide's stomach.

"As though you know anything about music," Hide smiled, pinching Kaneki's palm.

"I know what I like and it isn't this," Kaneki said, gesturing to the stereo.

"One of us has bad taste and it definitely isn't me," Hide said, sitting up with his hand still curled around Kaneki's.

"You can believe what you want Hide, that doesn't make it true though," Kaneki said, smiling slyly up at the other.

Hide wanted to sink down beside Kaneki, wanted to press his body against the other's, press his warm mouth to Kaneki's skin. He didn't, instead he let go of the other and switched off the stereo, sitting back on his heels as he turned back to look at Kaneki from over his shoulder.

"Better?" Hide said, as though it were all such a chore.

"Much, thanks," Kaneki said, sat up cross legged, smiling in the most condescending way he could manage.

* * *

 

There was a time, not long after that, when they were in Hide's empty house again. This time they had been studying, Hide had given up a little while ago and was spread out along the couch. He watched Kaneki flick through the pages of a text book, making clear and precise notes with practiced ease. He couldn't stop his eyes from closing and quite frankly he didn't see much point in staying awake, it wasn't like he was doing anything else anyways.

He woke up a little while later, an immeasurable time for him, blinking at the way Kaneki's elbow was leant on the table as the other read a book. Closing his eyes again he shifted against the sheets, smiling to himself as he realised that Kaneki must have pulled them over him. He settled against the couch again, face falling into a more relaxed expression.

Sometime after that, Hide woke again to a sound he really didn't want to hear. The quiet hiccups and shuddering breaths were deafening against the silence of the room, Hide was staring at the back of the couch hoping that he hadn't done anything to alert the other to his wakefulness. Staying as still as he could, pretending to continue to sleep. After a while the sounds died down and he listened to Kaneki packing the books and other things away. A hand came upon his shoulder, shook him gently and really that only made Hide more sleepy.

"Hide," Kaneki called softly, breath sweeping over Hide's neck.

"Hmm?" Hide hummed, turning onto his back to blink up at the other.

"I've got to go," Kaneki said, shifting his bag on his shoulder as though to add authenticity to his statement.

"No," Hide sighed, fingers lazily clutched at Kaneki's sleeve.

"I do, I'm not lying," Kaneki giggled gently, uncurling Hide's fingers one by one.

"I wish you were," Hide said, smiling sleepily, trying hard not to stare at the redness of the other's eyes.

"Me too," Kaneki sighed, dropping Hide's hand.

He walked Kaneki to the door, wanted to walk the other all the way home but he knew Kaneki would say it was unnecessary because really it was. And he still wasn't sure what balance of distance and closeness would allow the other open up to him, he was stepping on glass when it came to manoeuvring through Kaneki's psyche.

Hide stood there with his palm pressed flat to the hard wood of the closed door, hoping that the other would make it home and that they would meet each other again the next morning.

That night was torturous, Hide was plagued by images of Kaneki's swaying body, now he had two mirror images to haunt himself with. Seeing a corpse, it was one of those dividing instances in someone's life, there was the time before he'd seen a corpse and there was time after he'd seen a corpse. It was irritating that he had to think of it so disjointedly, word use so removed from the humanity of it, but it hurt far more to relate Kaneki to it than it was to think of it clinically.

* * *

 

Sure enough though, the next morning Kaneki was stood on the corner of the street where they usually met, looking faintly nervous like the other always did. The small gentle smile that pressed across Kaneki's face as the other watched him approach warmed Hide's heart, there was something so special about seeing Kaneki alive.

"Hey Ken," Hide yelled, crossing the street toward the other without looking and the horror that flowed over Kaneki's face was all the warning he had before he was blindsided by a car, or maybe he'd blindsided the car either way he was up in the air thinking about the lives he was wasting with his chronic lack of patience. The last thing he saw was the road rushing toward him, then he was out, he presumed flat line.

Blinking awake, there was no alarm just the bleached whiteness of the hospital room. Hide's body felt heavier than it ever had, as though he was about to buckle the thick metal frame of the bed. He tried to turn his head, but there was something stopping the motion, a neck brace. It was odd that things came back in pieces like that, how stiff his left arm was and the fact that he couldn't feel his legs. Hide slid his eyes from his left to his right and found no one, the room was completely empty. So he closed his eyes again.

Hand up the inside of his wrist, tickling him making him twitch awake. Kaneki was standing above him and Hide really did not like the expression on the other's face.

"You alright there champ?" Hide said, voice hoarse and he smiled painfully.

"Really? Cracking jokes?" Kaneki said, brows furrowed, he pulled his hand away from Hide's and stepped back slightly.

Hide didn't like it, the way his sunny attitude seemed to irritate the other then. He had the right to joke since he was the one that was hurt, with that thought the falling look of absolute terror that had shifted over Kaneki's face came to him. It seemed that guilt was always around the corner, lurking in the shadows and waiting with bated breath to remind him of every single thing he'd ever done to hurt the other, no matter how slight.

At least he'd been unconscious, unable to see whatever horror the car and concrete had torn through his body, bent and twisted as he imagined it to be. Kaneki wasn't though, the other had seen it all.

"Is it really so bad to have a positive attitude?" Hide murmured, swallowing several times to smooth over the roughness of his throat.

"You're going to have to be serious some time," Kaneki said, keeping eye contact with Hide, a strenuous kind of stare that seemed to steal the strength from him the longer he maintained it.

"That's dull," Hide said, hating the way Kaneki was looking at him, he wasn't even sure what the other wanted from him. He didn't think that there really was a right way to navigate the situation, was it even possible to appease someone for forever, probably not.

"You're paralysed from the waist down idiot," Kaneki barked, looking quite angry.

Hide wondered what Kaneki was expecting of him, anger, fear, sadness? He was fresh out anything but numbness, he really couldn't feel anything for himself, it hadn't ever mattered much to him. Maybe it wasn't fair to act like that, considering the things he'd tried to force on Kaneki.

That was one thing about Kaneki that affect Hide quite a lot, the other's moods would shift like water under that carefully constructed facade and every single mistake he made reflected back at him tenfold.

"What do you want me to say?" Hide muttered, dropping the act.

He looked up at the other wearing a look he hoped portrayed just how tired he really felt, he was more than tired, more than bone tired, he was soul tired and at this point he figured it would have been better if he'd have died and never came back the first time.

"I just wish you would be honest with me," Kaneki sighed, frowning.

"I could say the same for you," Hide bit out, curling his hands into fists under the blankets. "Can't we just have a good time all the time, can't we just forget about honesty for a little while?" He murmured, looking down at his now useless legs.

"I think we're at the point where that's no longer possible," Kaneki said.

"Oh, so you're suddenly going to tell me everything that's curling in your head like cigarette smoke?" Hide said, voice sharp because he already knew the kind of things that were what Kaneki considered to be the honest truth.

"Why are you being so confrontational?" Kaneki asked, brows furrowed.

"Why are you always deflecting everything I try to say to you?" Hide snapped, teeth bared as he spoke.

"What are you talking about, always?" Kaneki asked, looking perplexed.

"If you don't know then what's the point," Hide groaned, throwing his head back against the pillow. "If it's just me that's being honest what's the point?" He said, sliding his eyes toward the other. "I don't understand why you're so intent to keep it all to yourself when I'm right here," he didn't quite mean to say that or in those exact words, it came off egotistical as though he believed that he could solve every problem that ever arose. He winced when the words left him, knowing his statement would not be well received.

"Are you accusing me of lying?" Kaneki asked, chewing on his lip and generally looking pissed off. "You can't make it all magically disappear Hide," he sighed, turning away from the bed.

"Are saying that you've been telling me the truth this whole time? Do you really think I'm that blind? I know I can't make it all go away but you won't give me the chance to help make things better," Hide said, there was a noise going on in the background and the longer he spoke the louder it grew until he didn't have the energy to say anything more. He turned his body to the source of the sound and the motion made him kind of dizzy, it was the heart rate monitor and he supposed that he'd been pushing himself too much for someone that had just been in a car accident.

"You do make things better Hide," Kaneki said softly, hand pushed through Hide's hair and pushed the other's head down against the pillow. "You need to relax," he murmured, fingers warm upon Hide's scalp.

He couldn't help but agree with that.

* * *

 

Kaneki was the only support he had, absentee parents like ghosts doing nothing but financially aiding him. Most days he was completely alone, but now there wasn't much that he could do alone. The doctor explained what he already knew, the damage to his spine was irreparable and he'd need assistance for the rest of his life.

Lying there, he figured that if he could just manage to handle the toilet by himself he was set for life. He'd be lying if he said he didn't think about killing himself, resetting the timeline, but he still wasn't sure how this worked and would it really be worth it, he didn't know.

Staring out the window, up at the sky, Hide felt trapped. Really he was scared, if Kaneki ever needed him he wouldn't be able to come running. It might have seemed kind of stupid to some but neither of them had anyone else to go to, even then Kaneki was reluctant to come to him. He sighed and turned his head back to stare at the ceiling, tried to wriggle his toes to no avail.

Kaneki's eyes were red and that alone was irritating, the other didn't say anything about it though.

"Hi," Kaneki breathed, looking as though the weight of the whole world was on his shoulders.

"Hey," Hide said, smiling, really smiling because it had been days and he was so lonely that it was hollowing him out.

"I miss you," Kaneki said, flopping down into the chair besides the bed.

"I bet I miss you more," Hide smirked.

"Oh, so it's a competition now?" Kaneki snickered, sound kind of weak and broken.

"Yeah, but either way I think we both lose," Hide smiled warmly, pressing his hands down the sheets to smooth them out.

They sat in silence for a while, just soaking in the presence of the other. It was odd how easy it was to relax in the other's company, how nothing else seemed to matter when Kaneki was around.

"You're an idiot," Kaneki muttered, voice breaking on the last syllable.

"You're probably right, but I might need more clarification," Hide murmured, looking at his feet instead of at the other.

"You wriggled your way into my life and then filled it all up, now without you, everything just feels sort of empty," Kaneki said, words running into each other as he spoke too quickly.

"Yeah, I'm sorry," Hide sighed, leaning his head back against the pillow. "If it helps I think I'm getting bedsores," he muttered.

"Heh, I hate this," Kaneki said, as he stood abruptly the chair scraped along the floor and Hide barely had time to turn his head before Kaneki was out of the room.

He couldn't chase the other, couldn't halt whatever fire was running through Kaneki's mind. Hide clenched his fists around the sheets, useless adrenaline coursing through his veins, he was thankful that he wasn't attached to the heart rate monitor anymore. Turning his head away from the doorway, he couldn't watched that empty space anymore, instead he watched the birds scatter in the sky through the window.

It was such a strange juxtaposition, the bright and clear sky, birds soaring and flitting about. Hide's heart was hammering like one of those machines they use to break up concrete, his veins were electric. He found that the scenery did very little to calm his nerves, but he still stared as a blur of something flew past, shooting down. His heart lurched into his throat and he threw himself off the bed, crumpled to the floor in a heap.

Hide struggled to drag himself to the window, pulled himself up upon the chair next to it. Craning his neck to get the right angle, Hide could barely spy the broken shape of a person lying on the floor.

"What happened?" Kaneki asked from beside Hide.

He jumped, tumbling out of the chair. He watched as Kaneki looked out the window, he held himself up on his elbows noting the way the other's face absorbed the sunlight.

"What's-" Kaneki cut himself off and frowned as he stared down at Hide, "did you think that was me?"

"I thought there was a possibility," Hide said, swallowing around the words.

"Have a little more faith in me Hide," Kaneki grumbled, getting down on his knees to help the other back into bed.


	4. Chapter 4

It took Hide a while to adjust to the wheelchair, palms quickly became rough and grew calloused. Even with the gloves his hands had bled once or twice, he didn't let Kaneki wheel him around, despite how much the other offered to the point of practically begging. He didn't want to grow dependant on Kaneki, not when he'd expended so much energy and effort trying to be someone that the other could lean on.

He had considered that this was a good thing for Kaneki, to have someone to look after, to allow himself to accept the other's kindness. Although, he knew Kaneki had never really had that kindness returned and Hide felt a kind of duty, an obligation to shower the other with the kindness and caring that Kaneki expended him.

The university was very accommodating, Hide figured it was because he'd earned himself a scholarship along with the social standing of his parents, if he were anyone else he doubted that he'd have gotten the same treatment. Kaneki's periodic grimaces as they were given a tour through the campus said that the other thought the same too, as their tour guide spoke Hide just focused on the way Kaneki chewed on the inside of his mouth.

"That was a waste of time," Kaneki muttered when they were finally free to go.

"So bitter Ken," Hide snickered.

"She was so condescending and false, it just rubbed me up the wrong way," Kaneki said, brows furrowed as he looked back toward the faculty building.

"Some people are always like that, it's just her job," Hide shrugged, thinking that neither of them were really in a position to criticise her for being falsely positive.

"I guess," Kaneki sighed, face softening as he looked down at Hide, "wanna get a coffee?"

"I'm pretty sure that I could draw coffee from your veins at this point," Hide said, smirking slightly, "people our age shouldn't be so dependent on caffeine," he added.

"Says the boy with that downed a can of red bull before our finals," Kaneki threw back, walking ahead toward the campus cafe.

"Hey, that was a one time thing," Hide called as he followed behind the other.

* * *

 

Books splayed around him on the desk, he was simply flipping through the pages and marking the ones with images that he found pleasing, this time in this life Hide chose to become a photographer. Mostly it was an excuse to keep his distance from people, but the more they moved through the semester, it became an excuse to take profuse amounts of pictures of Kaneki.

The other's eyesight was waning, Hide figured it had more to do with stress than it did anything physical, and the way the sunlight bounced off of Kaneki's round glasses was a enough to give the image a spectacular lens flare. It drowned out the other's features leaving nothing but the subtle image of Kaneki's pleasure at the story weaved on the pages of the book he was reading, Hide thought that the image perfectly represented the way that Kaneki outwardly portrayed himself.

None of that slick bitterness, none of the vicious venom Hide knew was waiting just behind the other's lips. Personality twisted and bent out of shape, Hide related, since his happiness was intrinsically tied to Kaneki's. An awfully delicate balance between them, it was terribly difficult and Hide messed up time after time.

He spent an awful lot of money photocopying all the pictures he liked, watched them build up in the tray, it was wistful and nostalgic. It all made him feel kind of pathetic, that he longed for a time he'd never had, for an opportunity he knew was never coming.

It would come if he could jimmy an opening, but Kaneki was sealed shut, vacuum packed. If he ever managed to get in, a sickening amount of horror would come flooding out and Hide wondered if he was really prepared to handle that. Could he hold Kaneki's trauma in his hands and soften the edges, he'd smoothed down the outline of his own trauma with the other's presence and he felt endlessly selfish for that. Felt as though he had taken advantage of Kaneki's loneliness for his own gain, it was pitiful.

The photocopier was over flowing, Hide couldn't move though, staring at the tray spiting paper. He didn't belong there, he wasn't a part of this world, he was other and he was meddling around with things that he had no business tampering with. Someone shut the copier off as he was having his existential crisis, blinking away unspent tears. Crying in public wouldn't help his mood an ounce, but really what was there that he could do to better the situation?

"Hide?"

Kaneki's face came into view, soft and understanding, guilt like razor blades ran through his insides.

"Ken? Hi, uh, oh, I got lost in thought," he said, looking around as he blinked rapidly. "Thanks," he smiled up at the other before starting to jam the papers into his backpack, heart beating rapidly as he felt like a fraud.

Just how much and how often had he deceived Kaneki the first time? During that first life he spent so much time and effort on denying his emotions for Kaneki's gain, was that selfish or was it self denial? He couldn't figure it out, but he had the sneaking suspicion that he didn't really know who he was anyway.

* * *

 

Kaneki's face was heavy with the weight concern bore down upon it and Hide hated it, he ground his teeth as he ignored it. Music blearing into his ears as he stared at the empty word document, even if he'd had the energy to start his essay he couldn't care less about it.

It was irritating, this growing vague and misty kind of depression, or was it disassociation. Hide didn't know and didn't care to know. That coupled with the fact that he'd done exactly what Kaneki was doing to him toward the other back in their first life only made it worse, he was growing horridly familiar with the feeling of self loathing and that feeling was just dragging him toward the ground.

There was a hand moving past his face, it pulled the laptop from his lap and set it on the coffee table, Hide turned to look up at Kaneki as the other pushed the headphones from his head down to rest around his neck. 

They were living together, splitting the rent and that meant that Hide's parents paid for his part of the cheap rent and Kaneki worked at a local cafe to pay for his half. All this extra time together made Hide realise just how much he'd hid from Kaneki, made it painfully obvious just how much of a hypocrite he actually was.

"You don't have do it tonight," Kaneki said with one of those smiles that left a sensation like sandpaper on skin behind.

Hide didn't have anything to say, there was nothing in his mouth but dying and rotting flowers, words that couldn't amount to how much he actually cared for and loved Kaneki. It was horrible really, to figure out that one person was the centre of your universe, to know that they could determine your mood, wellbeing and sense of self without ever knowing it. It made Hide keenly aware of the shifting state of his personality.

He'd always just been whatever Kaneki had wanted or needed him to be, simply because he didn't ever want to be alone again. It was selfish and he hated himself for it, endlessly.

* * *

 

Laid out on his bed, chest heaving from the effort it took for him to pull himself onto the mattress. He couldn't be bothered to pull the sheets up, instead he traced his eyes over the pristine ceiling, it had become a kind of habit to file away images of various different ceilings.

There was always something in the way of the sky and somehow nothing would ever be boundless again, Kaneki's eyes would never be bottomless again when they looked at him.

In all honesty Hide felt worthless and he knew he was pulling away from Kaneki, isolating himself when he was terrified of being alone. His pain was paradoxical and he couldn't help but to laugh bitterly at that thought, for someone who always smiled he could no longer find joy in most things.

He loathed being a burden to anyone, even worse was being a burden to the person he wanted to support.

The days were growing bleaker.

* * *

 

"Hide."

There was a rapping against his bedroom door and he knew he hadn't slept a wink, staring as he had been at that corner of the room. Every blink of his eyes was painful, as though his skin was trying to fuse together and he was ripping his eyelids apart every time he opened them.

"Hide?" Kaneki's voice was straining with the effort he took to hide his concern.

Hide frowned at the shadow Kaneki cast through the tiny space between the door and the floor, slipping into the room when he absolutely didn't want the other there. A violation.

Thinking felt like a violation, with that thought he knew he should be dead, he knew that he shouldn't have started this cycle again. Maybe death was a release and in death the pair of them had freed themselves, only to be yanked back into painful existence.

The door was open and Hide didn't really have the presence of mind to pretend that he was asleep, no easy excuses came to him and he was simply far too tired to try to smile. Kaneki didn't say anything though, the other simply climbed over him on the mattress and laid beside him silently for what was quite possibly hours.

The light in the room began to wane, growing softer and darker, Hide vaguely wondered what the time was but wasn't prepared to seek out the answer. Guilt ran sickly through his veins, slid down his throat to his chest like ice, settled in his stomach like coiling flames. It was fast and slick up his spine, he ground his teeth and tried his best to swallow the mounting apologies that tried to force their way out of his throat. Adam's apple constantly bobbing as he tried to stamp it all out, blinking rapidly to rid his eyes of the tears that threatened to fall.

He took a loud shuddering and gasping breath, he froze with his hand wrapped around his mouth. Kaneki didn't move though, he could still hear the other breathing steadily behind him. He wondered if Kaneki was asleep, but he wasn't curious enough to turn back to find out though.

"If I killed myself would you do it too?" Hide found himself saying, things that had happened but also hadn't were searing his retina.

"Are you asking me to make a suicide pact with you?" Kaneki asked, voice even.

"No, I," Hide sighed, "I don't want you to die, especially not because of me," he murmured gently, running his knuckles along the pillow.

"You don't want me to ever die," Kaneki tried to snicker but the whole effort was hollow.

"Don't make fun of me," Hide breathed, tiredness plainly evident in his voice.

"I'm not," Kaneki returned and then sighed, "I don't know how to help you, I don't know how to change these things because neither of us are talking about the things that bother us," he said softly.

"I've spent the entire time since I met you trying to help you and I doubt I've made much of a difference," Hide mumbled, pressing his face into the pillow, muffling and censoring himself.

"You've made all the difference in my life," Kaneki said quietly, audibly swallowing.

Hide frowned, it didn't matter how much he trusted Kaneki, how much he loved the other, he still didn't believe them. Couldn't possibly see the positive affects he had on Kaneki, couldn't conceive of the idea.

* * *

 

Kaneki was laughing and smiling with someone Hide didn't know, it was a moment he was very much not a part of, he wasn't even close enough to hear what they were saying. stupidly he felt jealous, wanted to be the one that made the other smile, wanted to hear Kaneki's laughter again. He tried to remember the last time he'd made Kaneki laugh, he couldn't remember.

He took a photo and went straight back home, straight back to his bed, straight back to staring up at his ceiling. Silent tears rolled out of his eyes, they slid into his ears and chilled, making him shiver. It was odd, really how could he be so selfish and pathetic at the same time. How could someone have such an ego whilst weathering the torrent of self loathing, he ran his finger over his wrist and for some reason it hurt.

Sensitive, he was becoming so sensitive to things that had never bothered him before, digging his nails into the mattress he hissed through gritted teeth. This wasn't living, it could hardly be called existing even. He had convinced himself that he was simply a waste of oxygen, taking up more real-estate than he deserved.

* * *

 

"Hide, I know it doesn't change how you feel or anything, but I'd be very upset if you died," Kaneki said from behind a book, laid out on the couch as he was. The rattle to his voice made it clear that it took a lot for him to say that, just that little took a whole lot out of him.

"Ok," Hide murmured, he couldn't stomach speaking anything remotely close to something connected to emotions, especially his own.

Guilt swirled awfully in the pit of his stomach, knowing that Kaneki had been sat there for a while not turning the page and obviously not reading. Kaneki had been thinking about him, had been thinking about ways to console him and he nothing to give the other in return.

He couldn't give Kaneki anything at all, sitting there at the table on his laptop, he had finished the essay a little while ago and was now scrolling through his library of photographs of Kaneki. The sheer amount made him balk, he definitely had a problem. This wasn't normal, surely it wasn't normal.

Frowning, he shut the laptop and stared at Kaneki, maybe it would be best for the both of them if he closed off from Kaneki. He knew he was hurting the other with all of this, but he also knew that isolating himself from Kaneki would hurt the other too. Paranoia, self doubt, severe depression and anxiety, Hide tried his best to work his way around Kaneki's issues and he'd done a pretty good job up until this point.

Now though, he couldn't figure out his own problems let alone give Kaneki the attention the other deserved. He was seriously considering starting again, resetting his life again just to handle the balance better and maybe spend some time figuring out who exactly he was. He didn't know the specifics about it though, if Kaneki didn't go first maybe he wouldn't come back.

"I'm sorry," was all he managed to give after all of his thinking.

"I know, it's okay," Kaneki said, smiling softly over the top of his book.

Maybe this would be the time that they would sort everything out, muddle through it all together. Obviously he couldn't settle on an emotion, just like he couldn't quite figure out who he was besides someone that cared about Kaneki.


	5. Chapter 5

Hide wondered when everything had suddenly changed, how he'd become like this so suddenly. At the beginning of term he'd been fine, he'd been kind of happy about the prospect of living with Kaneki. Although the other had turned out to be far more independent than he'd realised, stupidly he thought Kaneki would always need him, thought that he would have to constantly be on guard. He didn't though, Kaneki was just fine, probably because they he was away from the people that brought him misery.

Sadly for Hide though, it was himself that brought his own misery, he was the arbiter of his own pain. With the need for study having grown since high school, Hide tried his best not to constantly disturb Kaneki whenever he was feeling lonely. And so his thoughts turned inward, sharpened themselves like knives.

Truth be told he didn't know much about himself, he knew more about Kaneki than he'd ever known about himself in all of his lifetimes. He wasn't sure what more there was to him besides being someone that cared about Kaneki, he made a mental inventory of all the things that he was outside of the other. He liked music, all kinds of music, most of which were genres that Kaneki couldn't stand. He liked art, liked it in a secret kind of way that made him a little embarrassed when he knew he shouldn't be.

Watching Kaneki from afar, he was sure he wasn't exactly subtle about it, it was a bit difficult to be subtle when you're wheelchair was pointed at the person you were staring at. If Kaneki noticed the other didn't say anything, they were just doing the same old dance they'd always done. Silently allowing the pair of them to wallow in their pain and self imposed horrors, waiting for the other to come to them on their own.

He'd wasted lifetimes for the perfect opportunity to save Kaneki, what an idiot he'd been, he just had to say the words over and over. All he had to do was make it clear to Kaneki that he was there for the other, that he wasn't ever going anywhere. Really though, at this point he was sure Kaneki knew that, had always known that.

Why hadn't he?

* * *

 

Fingers through his hair as Kaneki moved through the room, the question was crawling up his throat and yet he wanted to swallow it back down. What was he waiting for anyways, he'd been waiting for his life to start, waiting for opportunities that he could simply take. He was a coward, that was as clear as day, if he wanted all these things for Kaneki then he could simply suck it up and give those things to the other.

"Who am I to you, Ken?" Hide asked, a tremor to his voice.

Kaneki froze in the doorway, hand wrapped around the doorframe, Hide's heart was hammering in his chest. Chipping away at his lungs, trying to break through his ribs, hoping to be finally set free.

"You're my best friend Hide," Kaneki murmured, not turning back toward the other.

"You know I-"

"Hide, please not now," Kaneki sighed, quickly cutting Hide off.

"When then? When am I allowed to tell you how I feel because I've always been here to listen to you," Hide said, trying his best to keep the hurt from his voice.

"Are you sure about that?" Kaneki asked, finally looking back at Hide. "These parts months you've been completely shut off from everyone, but even before that you seemed to act weird around me as though I could break at any moment," he stared down at the other, expression stern and unwavering. "I don't need to be reminded of how many times I've been broken," he said and left the room, left Hide to soak in his words.

Hide knew he'd treated Kaneki differently, but how could he not with the memories that hadn't happened but lived on in his head, his fear had consumed him and he'd allowed it to rule him. He thought he had carried fear from his death and into his childhood, children weren't supposed to know the things he knew, children weren't supposed to see the things he'd seen.

Still it was wrong and he knew it, he was still learning though, but time was running out. Time was always running despite being something humans had created, it wasn't something you could see, it wasn't something that you could lose, but he felt like he'd wasted so much of it already.

* * *

 

Dust in the air, it was so painfully visible in the light that streaked through the window. Hide had spent the day cleaning his room instead of moping around and lamenting the way he'd treated Kaneki.

He knew you couldn't clean away depression, couldn't sweep away years of self hatred and feelings of inadequacy, couldn't dust away the way he'd mistreated Kaneki from the moment he'd met the other again. It was a start though and you had to start somewhere, he figured that cleaning up the mess he'd made was as good a place as any, if not it was certainly fitting.

After that, he sat at his desk, cleared out his e-mails, replied to the important ones and finished a few assignments. When he turned away it was dark, at least he'd got some stuff done, at least he didn't feel like a total failure anymore, maybe he could face Kaneki now.

Wheeling out of his room, he found Kaneki curled around a book on the couch next to a lamp, just looking at the other stole all the confidence from him. How had he been so positive before, how had he borne it all before, he'd forgotten who he used to be.

"Ken, I'm sorry," he tired, it earned him a glance from the other over the top of the book in Kaneki's hand, "I've always been scared of losing you, if you hadn't noticed you're all I have," he continued knowing that he had to say more, he didn't know exactly how far this word vomit would get him but he simply couldn't stay silent a moment longer. "I never knew how to treat you, I just grew more and more worried about you and about losing you, it terrifies me the thought of being without you. Still I treated you like something I'm entitled to and that's wrong, I just know that I don't know who I am anymore and the more I try to be someone without you the more I feel less like myself," Hide's chest was heaving when he finished, hands caught around the wheels in case he needed to leave.

"You're the person that was always there for me, you're the person that likes electro and plays it even though I hate it, you're the person that loves detective shows no matter how corny and predictable they are, you're the person that takes breathtakingly beautiful photographs, you're the person that can make the darkest times seem bright just by being around. You're Hideyoshi Nagachika," Kaneki said, obviously in reply to Hide's question that morning. "You're you, you're who you were and have always been," Kaneki rose from the couch, setting the book down on the coffee table.

Hide stayed still, frozen right where he was as he watched Kaneki approach him. Eyes on Kaneki's serious and dark ones, Kaneki was a serious adult and Hide much preferred being silly.

"I should ha-"

"You've always been there for me Hide," Kaneki stopped the other with a finger to Hide's lips, "you can't take all this responsibility, you're crumbling beneath it," he said softly moving his the other's fringe aside. "We just need to relax, the pair of us, things are the easiest they've ever been and maybe that's why we're collapsing because we're finally able to," Kaneki said, pressing his forehead to Hide's.

"You're probably right," Hide smiled, really smiled for the first time in a while.

"Let's watch a crappy movie and point out all of its flaws," Kaneki said, returning to the couch and switching on the television.

* * *

 

Hide quickly made shallow but useful relationships with people in his class and a few of his upperclassmen, he felt more at ease when he was helping other people out.  He could forget his own problems when he was helping other's out with theirs, also it meant that they'd owe him when he needed it and being disabled it was a good thing to have a few people in your pocket.

Kaneki on the other hand had only made one friend, an overbearing rich boy with questionable fashion sense that knew an awful lot about flowers. Tsukiyama was tall, flamboyant and extravagant, also possibly head over heels for Kaneki if the mountains of books that was beginning to fill their apartment was anything to go by.

Tsukiyama often came to the apartment before they had class and waited around for Kaneki to be ready, he would sit with Hide patiently while he ate breakfast and listened to the radio.

"Are you ever going to confess to him?" Tsukiyama asked offhandedly one morning and Hide almost choked on his orange juice.

"It's complicated," Hide frowned at the mess the sputtering had made.

"You're wasting each other's time not being together," Tsukiyama muttered, sipping delicately on his water, "you're practically a couple already," he commented and Hide couldn't help but notice the inherent jealousy in that statement, Hide applauded Tsukiyama for saying such a thing when his feelings were so clear.

"It's complicated," Hide repeated before finishing his orange juice.

"Aren't all things?" Tsukiyama said, brow arched pointedly at the other.

"To some people everything is simple," Hide said, setting down his glass at the breakfast table.

Tsukiyama, at the core of the man, had a good heart and struggled against its good nature, simply put the other was a begrudgingly good man. Hide suspected, but would never ask, that Tsukiyama had already confessed to Kaneki and had been turned down, he didn't know it for sure but it wouldn't have surprised him if it were true.

"You should be more concerned with your own happiness than everyone else's, that goes for the both of you," Tsukiyama said, uncrossing and crossing his legs again, looking very much like he was running out of patience.

"You're probably right, but knowing that won't change our ingrained nature," Hide returned, speaking more of his personal philosophy and what he'd observed from others than speaking of what he wanted to do.

Hide wanted nothing more than to speak his heart to Kaneki, to free these feelings from the cage that was his ribs. He tried every moment that he was able to, but Kaneki shut him down every time. Hide didn't resent the other for that, if Kaneki wasn't ready to hear what they both knew Hide was going to say then that was fine by him. And if it turned out that Kaneki wasn't interested after all, that would be fine too, painful but fine.

* * *

 

Tsukiyama quickly became a cheerleader for Hide's unspent and undeclared love, nudging him every time there was an opening or an opportunity for he and Kaneki to be alone together. It was as endearing as it was irritating, the fact that Kaneki pretended to be oblivious when he was very evidently not did not pass Hide by.

"He means well," Kaneki said when they were alone, snickering softly to himself.

"I know," Hide said and made no other comment.

* * *

 

The nights were still long and dark enough to reach out to him, beckoning him to slink into their inky shadows. In the long witching hours, Hide was left to his own devices and the toxic thoughts that still swirled in his mind.

He didn't deserve Kaneki when all he'd thought about was having the other, he was selfish and had been thinking selfishly since this whole time travel thing had begun. That didn't mean that he'd only been thinking about his own feelings and wellbeing, but he'd only recently accepted that they were both allowed to have friends besides each other.

Hide watched the darkness uncurl and unfurl before him as he stared into the night, whispering about how loathsome and pitiful he was. He tried his best to pay it no mind but still they spoke whether he ignored them or not, like a persistent plague he could cure but would take time.

Time, they said it healed everything, he'd never thought that was wholly true. He found more truth in the idea that given enough time you could grow numb to anything.

* * *

 

"You're quite the resilient man," Tsukiyama noted one afternoon, watching the sky through the window.

Kaneki wasn't with them, was out somewhere and they were waiting for him to return so they could all have dinner together. Tsukiyama was a tremendous cook, just the thought of the other's cooking made Hide's mouth water.

"How do you mean?" Hide asked, watching Tsukiyama's profile, jawline sharp and delicate.

"To weather whatever you're going through whilst yearning for Kaneki and putting him first for all that time," Tsukiyama said, words perfectly tailored to portray his honest opinion, "it really is commendable," he said, turning his head to smile at Hide.

And Hide smiled back.

"He's always meant a lot to me," Hide said, flat and easy, it was nothing more than a fact.

* * *

 

Hide was watching again, taking photographs again, Kaneki was stood on the other side of the road waiting to cross. Hide couldn't help but smile as Kaneki drew closer, it really did seem like the sun was breaking through the clouds in spots and patches, he was beginning to see the sky again.  

Kaneki was smiling down at him, soft and gentle, lips barely moving as the other said hello.

The heart warming sound was cut off by something loud, something that tore tremors through the ground, Hide hardly a moment to realise that it was an earthquake before the building they were under fell upon them.

blink at his alarm clock, Hide stared at the numbers and allowed the sound to ring out for a few minutes before he climbed out of his bed. He felt numb and his movements were stiff as he processed what had just happened in his mind.

Walking down the street, hands in his pocket, he wondered what he should do differently this time, what he shouldn't do. Maybe the things he chose not do to were more important than the things he chose to do, he wasn't sure but he was going to hold off and consider himself more than he ever had before. He decided that he'd have to make himself the person that could be the person who made Kaneki happy. And hopefully he'd find something other than Kaneki that made him happy.


	6. Chapter 6

Hide drowned himself in detective novels and read side by side with Kaneki, they shared an interest in books although the one's they liked were vastly different. Kaneki stayed alive and sneered at his pulp novels, Kaneki smiled and sometimes Kaneki was a little distant and sad, but Hide did his best to bring the other to the present. He stole Kaneki from the other's pain and depression, he brought Kaneki to his empty world and filled it with his love for the other, filled it with all his love for so many things.

In high school, Hide went around solving real and fake mysteries, sharpening himself the protect from idle thoughts that brought darkness and self loathing. He solved the cases of missing shoes and textbooks, once a girl came to him to see if he could tell her who sent her a love confession. Kaneki would comment that detective novels and electronic music didn't quite gel, Hide would remark that it didn't matter, that he liked ice cream and pizza but would never eat them together.

All throughout their friendship, Hide had his camera clasped tight in his hands, snapping up every moment that he simply didn't want to pass. A lot of them included Kaneki, but at this point Kaneki was posing for them. Now there was so much sunshine in their lives, it shone through the photographs.

They met Tsukiyama again, in university, he was possibly more flamboyant than Hide remembered him being. Tsukiyama brought so much colour with him, whenever he was around thing were sure to be interesting.

One time, Kaneki came home looking pretty normal with a slight frown and Tsukiyama came right after the other looking a little flustered and possibly embarrassed. Hide figured it out quickly and tried his best not to snicker as he held the worn pulp book up against his face, quietly shaking in the corner. He could practically feel Tsukiyama's pointed gaze as his grip tightened on the frayed back of the book, he didn't know if he wanted to disappear or hear whatever tale Tsukiyama would weave to save face.

"You're enjoying my torture far too much," Tsukiyama sighed, smile strained as he stared down at Hide.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Hide said, smiling broadly up at the other.

* * *

 

Fingers curled in the grass, Hide tried his best not to pull the strands out of the ground as he ran the words over in his head again. Kaneki was sat next to him under the tall tree, book lazily clasped in one hand.

"Ken," Hide started, swallowing again, it didn't matter how many life times he ran through it would always be difficult for him to pour everything out of his heart to show the other.

Kaneki simply hummed, turning toward Hide as his hand fell into his lap.

"You're my best friend," Hide continued, "you're my favourite person in the whole world," he smiled sheepishly as he went on, trying his best to keep eye contact with the other, the blistering sunlight shone in Kaneki's eyes. "I want to stay with you always, I want to live with you by your side for forever," he said, as though he was pulling his heart strings out of his mouth like a magician pulling handkerchiefs out of his pocket, "would you let me do that?"

Kaneki laughed lightly, reached out toward Hide and pushed his palm to the other's cheek.

"I thought that was already decided," Kaneki said, brow arched cheekily at Hide.

"I just wanted to clarify is all," Hide smiled as he leaned forward, hand braced between them as he brushed their lips together, "for forever and ever," he murmured against Kaneki's skin, Kaneki only giggled a little more.  

* * *

 

For a while, Hide wondered if when he was old or simply died from sickness he would wake up to the sound of his alarm again, but as time, that frivolous thing, went on those things began to worry him less and less.


End file.
